spamtard round-up august 2013

Okay, so i’m not going to go into all of these in full, there is just too much frag-muppetry to go around to deal with properly. But here’s some excerpts from my latest haul of spamtacular spammage send to me by spammy wanktards.


“Paris has received a chain of highprofile associations along with affluent men as well as leisure types, like Leonardo DiCaprio in addition to ex – Backstreet Boy Computer chip Lewis.”

Wow, i wish i could receive high profile associations with ex backstreet boy computers.. Hell, seeing the piece of wank I’m typing this on, I’ll settle for a low level association with ex-boy-zone pocket-watch Resistor Clarke.. Please allow me to click your digital-aids infected links! Just tell me more!! Wait! No not really, die in a car-fire where your kids can see, hear and smell your final moments. I was always told by real Frenchmen that Paris was a shit-hole, but if it has Leisure suit DiCaprio roaming around in it, I’ll be extra careful not to wander off too far on my next passing.. Straight to Gard du Nort and tha fuck on outah there.. Cheers for the head’s up, you suspiciously Nihonjin typing spamtard.. Now GTFO my inbox!


“and of course possibly be along with the jailhouse terminology. After all, your girlfriend background to get romantic relationships provides mostly men who also come from affluent, industrialist young families as well as amusement famous people “

Now look here you! I do not appreciate you bringing my dear Lady into this. I agree she has a stern hand and i agree that some of those banker-wankers could do with a proper judicial thrashing during their well-deserved stay in the big-house, but what my dear Lady does or not not do for the rehabilitation of the aforementioned bastages is none of anybodies business..

Clear off!


“Purses are typically made out of silicone elements, a hundred percent cotton, made of woll textiles, man made components, natural leather, in addition to a silk filled duvet.”

 Wow a 100% cotton made out of Woll textiles?! Sign me up for those man-made components AND that duvet filled with silk! Just one question, if I give you idiots a shout out, can we negotiate about the leather? I prefer mine to be purely unnatural and made from pretentious vegan public relations interns. (No Americans though, their skin is so thin you can’t really do anything with their hides.. Way to many silicone elements to them. You know how it is.)


“2013/08/20 at 03:06     We have made the decision to open our POWERFUL and PRIVATE website traffic system to the public for just a few days! You can sign up for our UP SCALE network with a free trial as we get started with the public’s orders. Imagine how your bank account will look when your website gets the traffic it needs. Visit us today!’

AHW! Dammit, I missed you generous offer to contract some kind of viral worm infection by only the the most perilous of fruit juicers! As it is now but a mere shoe’s length beyond the deadline, I am made of woe and pork-chops! Do not embarrass your vintage family by eating oysters with a donkey! (subscribe to my RSS feed within 84 seconds upon our sending this reply and receive a free prolapsed grandmother, freshly imported from New Jersey. Order by credit card and receive free fetish pictures of Rick Santorum dressed like a West-Bengali ground-squirrel!)


 “Elsewhere. leaving the other end, Vogel fixed in a timely fashion rear at self defense immediately following Dida Di Natale may be necessary state-of-the-art in the birthday gift hit. the house power team incrementally began to post ventures, “

Well, the other end was shit anyway, so i’m glad we’re going elsewhere right from the get-go, not to mention..

WOW! Wait?! What?! Man I haven’t seen Vogel ever sins him, me and this crazy hobbit dressed like a mafia version of Kurt Cobain faced down 7 Neo-Nazi skinheads! Knowing him, yeah, the house-power-team had better start investing elsewhere if he’s using his well timed self-defense style. That state-of-the-art birthday gift hit is devastating.. I can personal attest to that much!

To quote Gandalf the grey: “Run! You fools!” (for YOU SHALL NOT PASS his Birthday-gift-hit or my spam filter..)


“buy cheap nike free”

Why sure, i’d love to attain the Greek goddess of victory for no monies at all.. who do I have to bend over for?!


“yet somehow Chelsea sowed 50 million invoice in order to create gatwick“

As they do every Tuesday.. I swear if i have to deal with their collection agency one more time, i’ll ensure they beget in biblical proportions with my rudely shaped vegetable collection. (what were you even mailing me about?!)

Britt wrote:

“This is a comment to the webmaster.”

that would be me, myself and I..

“Your website is missing out on at least 300 visitors per day.”

Oh nose! I give no fucks!

“I have found a company which offers to dramatically increase your visitors to your website: [url omitted because fuck you]They offer 1,000 free visitors during their free trial period and I managed to get over 30,000 visitors per month using their services, you could also get lot more targeted traffic than you have now. Hope this helps [smiley icon omitted because i'm not amused] Take care. “

Next you’ll be trying to get me one of those smart-phones with windows8 on it, aren’t you? Don’t lie, i can smell it on you, you Soddy pestilence on the virginity of a handmade imitation handbag inspired by sushi and traffic cones!


Thank you for your time and unintended entertainment though.. Still, fuck off, you lot are a dime a bakers dozen, fail-made and less interesting than a Mormon stool sample.

Wandering hands and Double Stands

Okay, i should not be reading discussions on the interwebs. I knew this, but then i forgot and now look at me! I’m wound up, itching to punch something and my hair is a mess from standing on edge.

There are several things searing my woefully under-prepared brain meats at the moment.

First: On the matter of consent.

  1. No means No.
  2. If somebody doesn’t say Yes, that means No
  3. If somebody doesn’t say No, it still means No unless they say Yes.
  4. If somebody says Yes, it could still become No.
  5. (If line4, goto line1)

I don’t care if they wear latex hot-pants and a tank-top that reads “Fuck me Silly”, if there is no explicit Yes, there is no consent. If there is no consent, any sexual act in said person’s direction is an offense. And i believe such offensive parties ought to be met with extreme prejudice and some rusty gardening tools.

That’s right boys and girls! Uncle X4I says: If they touch you without your consent, kick them in the reproducible (m/f) so hard they can hear the choir invisible sing “Fare thee well, O child support”. To Hades’ hemorrhoids with ‘em and good riddance.

Kindly notice i’m being gender-nonspecific in the above statement. Boys do cry and Girls do fart and if you hit me (without my consent) I will reciprocate in kind irrespective of your inny- and/or outy-bits.

And this brings me to two other topics that piss me the fuck off. Sexism and Victim-blaming.

Anybody who thought: “But dressed in the aforementioned hot-pants and tank-top, you’re kind of asking for it, aren’t you?!” NO! Scroll back up and review the five steps of understanding that simple, two letter word. (i’ll wait right here).

And if you want to tell me it makes a difference what gender the offending party is, again, NO! Everybody still with me so far? Good.

Now here’s a few issues I have with what is called “rape-culture”.

  1. It is often abused by gender-rights extremists. (And as a result is damaged in it’s perceived validity as a serious problem)
  2. It suggests the cultural mentality problem extends only to sexual violence and no other forms of gender-normative abuse.

The problem I see with this cultural mentality problem is exactly that. It ingrains and reinforces a culture of gender-normative abuse. Dinner tabs, sandwiches, who asks who, being ruled by one’s reproductive organs, all this bullshit about Mars & Venus as excuses to treat our fellow human beings in a shitty fashion, simply because they have a certain configuration of funny-bits is utterly asinine. If you feel you are entitled to be the greater of two equals, you’re the fucking problem incarnate.

A man who expects to be waited on by a woman because he’s a man is a sexist dickbag.

Agreed? Good.

A woman who expects to be wined, dined and chauffeured because she’s a woman is a sexist cuntflap.

Agreed? Good.

Now, how about we drop the gender for a second and look at this for what it is. Entitled behavior by disrespectful douche-bags. The fact they’re sexist about it only exacerbates the situation, but it is not the main problem. It’s a mentality problem and by being sexist they manage to sugar coat it in the retarded pseudo excuse of “tradition”.

When gender is used as an excuse to be a frag-muppet, It’s a slimy sleight of hand to excuse inexcusable behavior in lieu of actually accounting for it.

It’s like homophobes waving a bible about and demanding their religious freedom to be plonkers. It has nothing to do with religious freedom, it’s just a bad excuse for being obnoxious fuck-sticks.

Now taking it a step further. Those deeply unpleasant and undesirable individuals whom feel their “excuse” can somehow excuse violence, torture and even murder. As long as they keep yacking about “slags” “pufs” or “pakkies”, we stay focused on the motivation behind their crimes.

But to come back to those dumb, intellectually unfortunates who entertain the notion that predator and prey meet in the middle. If you can see that a bigoted asshole kicking some poor person’s head in is unacceptable, no matter what his deranged mind was thinking. Would you tell the victim, or victim’s next of kin, that “hey, they took a risk. There’s assholes out there, they could have known that.” Of course not.

So how is it anymore applicable if it’s rape or bullying? If the offender stops short of murder, suddenly the victim has to be semi-culpable as well?! That’s bullshit and we all know it.

The problem is not the victim, the problem is not the motivation, it’s the injustice committed.

And as long as we as a society insist on measuring this type of bullshit on a sliding scale, we’re not addressing the real issue.

The Harowing Tale of Incapability Jones.

Once upon a time there was a complete fucktard who worked hard to be the most win-less employee at a big shipping company. Sadly he came in a close second by hiring Incapability Jones. A waste of oxygen and shoelaces that outshone even his career as a polished turd.

This fail-based string of amino acids decided to ship 14 packages from Karachi to Amsterdam via London, only to misplace them in Moscow. When asked how long it would take to fix this, now no longer express, clusterfuck of a delivery, Incapability Jones provided the distraught customer with the single most retarded reply ever over a phone-line: “I don’t know, i can’t make phone calls.”

This mindbogglingly stupid statement promptly propelled Incapability Jones to super-stardom amongst those who’s IQ’s struggle to overcome their shoe sizes. (And earned him the much coveted title of “Most dilapidated cum-bucket in our employ” at aforementioned shipping company.) We wish him well in his new found position in middle-management.

In the meantime, a plane sits on a runway in Moscow. As it wasn’t technically allowed to land there, it’s not lawful to put it’s freight in an other, operational plane.. Technicians and parts are being scrambled, or so we are told. This situation has been ongoing for a week now. One might suspect that both technicians and parts are quite well scrambled by now.

Not that Incapability Jones would be able to comment on the state of scramble, technicians, parts from faraway places and or airplanes. The driveling, inbred, piece of toenail clipping with a tie that supervises Incapability Jones and his fellow victims of nature’s wanton cruelty has assured us we will not receive any remuneration for having paid express fees. And we’ll just have to wait until they are good and ready to grant us our bought and paid for products.

(because fuck you customer with a valid problem, that’s why!)

Not that the time-frame matters anymore. These boxes should have been here at the start of the week to coincide with a local festival. A festival that stared today and we will now, despite timely investment and efforts will now not be able to purvey our wares at. Incapability Jones, his superiors and the massive multinational they work for have just taken a huge shit on a small business that pays out the nose for services not received. And to honest, they seem a bit annoyed with us for being unhappy with them fucking up our big sales weekend of the year.

Of course we understand they did not plan for this to happen. Naturally we’re not the only ones inconvenienced by this. We never asserted we where. Sufficed to say that Incapability Jones and his fellow knuckle-dragging rectal excretions aren’t in much of a hurry to help those other folks out in anything akin to a timely fashion either. Besides, “other people are in trouble to” really doesn’t hold water as an argument, now does it? If I show up at the emergency room with a gaping head-wound, I am not told it’s not an emergency, because other people are bleeding profusely as well. Sure I get things are a mess and sorting it out will take time. But that does not excuse being willfully unhelpful dick-bags to the very people that paid you to do the job you have fucked up royally and to their detriment.

I have never seen customer service this shitty. And having grown up in the Netherlands, that’s saying a lot. It takes a special, dehumanized, cooperate cluster-fuck of a system to screw up this bad and not feel the slightest compunction about it. The only thing they managed to get right was a distinct lack bad language and being openly racist. But if that’s the only boxes you can tick on the list of stuff you didn’t fuck up.. You should not be feeling good about the job you did and should not expect to be paid like you’re mad pimpin’ fellatio unicorns on capital hill.

In short: Hey Big Shipping Company, by not even trying to get us an answer, by blowing us off, by being downright and explicitly unhelpful.. You’ve earned to questionable honor of being the lowest army of ass-hats we have ever been screwed by to date. And yes, you screwed us, and insist on continuing to do so, while denying any form of liability for your cock-up.

Fuck you DHL.

Happy Nerd-Day to me! (and your mommah looks like a targ!)

PHAD (Punk Hyperactive Attention Disorder)

Because fukc you and because we bite those that inspire us.

So yeah: This page m’Lady send me got met thinking. It was about NADD. And i get it, i would probably subscribe to having it if it wasn’t for that one thing. That obnoxious, compulsive, gettin me beat-downs, straightened middle finger.

I love my StarTrek (TNG, Voyager and Enterprise rule, fuck y’all!) and my WhiteWolf (2nd edition, fuck what came after) i roll thru life on D10′s and the question WWWD (What Would Worf Do?) (yeah, until he shows he up with a batleph and preaches about Stovokor, Jeebus can go take a flying leap) So yeah, i’m a input addicted nerdy bastage, but i’m also a JMC punk-muthafuckah

If you missed the later reference, too bad, stoke me klipper. Bitch!

Yeah, hat’s just how i roll, H on the forehead and no fucks given. Many people died and went on to do pretty well!

So i turned 34 today, under a super moon (full moon at it’s closest to earth for those that don’t know what the red shift tells us about quasars..)

Non-seq, I admit, but f that anyhow.

I have 4 hours to sleep before the world turns to shit for the following 144 hours. Somethin to do with volunteering with a pad that deals with cyber-goths (and other emo-like hipster shits) And i’ve had a bottle of whiskey, with it being my birthday and all.. So yeah expect my ass to donate some rectal seepage over the next couple of days..

Where was I going with this?

Fuck it! It is what I come up with in the spurr of the moment.

Sontar-ha! Muthafuckahz!

Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (pt.1 the easy bit)

Yeah, i’m being a pretentious prick. I haven’t read Heauton Timorumenos, nor can i comprehend Latin. I googled it. Pretentious, ignorant and lazy.. Kind of fits what i’m quoting here, doesn’t it?
Oh alright, i’ll copy and paste so you don’t have to, but only if you’ll admit that if you needed me to do so, you’re a lazier bastage than i am.. And probably more human to. Anyhow, here we go:
I am a human being, I consider nothing that is human alien to me.(Terentius) Continue reading

Unbridled hostility; Smart-phones are overpriced dildos. Part deux

OKAY! So now i’ve taken to dealing with spam-mail i receive on a professional level. But it segues to nicely into my ongoing war on smart-phone-fetishists that suck publicly. (I don’t care what you do at home or at a smart-phone-fetishists-party. Just don’t shove it in my face. God made Adam and Steve, not Android and Mac-OS-mobile.. (or what ever those i-phonies run on))

Limey Ethan wrote (amongst a fuck-ton of other bullshit):

Your site is not user friendly on mobile devices..”

Well woop-de-fuckin’-doo, Ethan. I don’t care!

fuck you windows 8

no really, fuck you. in the ass. with a stolen dick.

Continue reading

I can’t write worth a damn

Yeah, since nobody reads this stuff for real, i’m going to assume Rowery is a generically generated non-person. (please comment on this if i’m wrong Rowery and tell me what the .jpg below depicts so i know you’re an actual human.)

But Rowery’s comment did interest me. Not because it was depressingly flattering, but because it offers me the chance to convince anybody who thinks that i know what i’m doing: I am a clueless thirty something white-boy with mental problems and a tendency to foam at the mouth over petty shit.. Anyhow, Rower asked me the following:

First off I want to say excellent blog! I had a quick question that I’d like to ask if you don’t mind.
I was curious to find out how you center yourself and
clear your mind prior to writing. I’ve had a hard time clearing my mind in getting my thoughts out there. I truly do enjoy writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are generally wasted just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or tips? Cheers!

Okay, step by step what happens in that electrical fire that passes for my awareness when i write one of these pieces of excrement. Continue reading

That phone may be the smartest thing about you..

I received this as a spamtastic comment attempt on “Mechelle plays in traffic”.

Luk said: “This webpage won’t display correctly on my iphone4 – you may wanna try and fix that “

First things first, to reply: Dear Luk, (what the fuck kind o name is that?!) thank you for informing me of that highly enjoyable factoid. (If it isn’t true, it aught to be.) As my roomie, who makes awesome Sushi, has demonstrated to me: this blog displays just fine on her phone. The faulty technology is obviously in your pocket, irradiating your nut-sack. None the less, I am most eager to rectify the problems you seem to have displaying my cesspool of hate and belligerence on your over-stylized masturbation aid. Please come see me after this lecture so that i can forcefully insert that blight of modernity up your rectum.

I’m sure the procedure will be unnecessarily agonizing, (douching cumbersome objects in Tabasco usually does.) but after the stitches come out, you’ll be the talk of sadly-cooperate hipster-fanboy town. I’m sure that before the week is out, those posers you drink overpriced coffee with will also start shoving their infantile Frankenstein machines up their arses, but we’ll both know: You had the specter of Steve Jobs shining out of your anus BEFORE it was cool.. (..besides you didn’t really like it back then anyway.)

Which neatly segues me into what i’ve been wanting to rant about for ages now: The Cult of Smart-phone wankery. Continue reading